[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
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The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.