People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
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‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.