Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
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Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
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