Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
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Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
When they try to steal your moment.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.