serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
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Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.