ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
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At least my masseuse has my back.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”