my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
You Might Also Like
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine