me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
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During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
O Wise One….
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
The two types of wives