In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
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*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.