Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
You Might Also Like
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
can’t bark with your mouth full
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.