My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
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If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.