Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
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Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Midwest trash talk
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!