hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
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[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Never mess with a drunken pig.