Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
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I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
every. time.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
liiiiiiiiike
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?