I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
You Might Also Like
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
I beg your pardon?
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies