this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
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The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
#CatsOnTwitter
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.