Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
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Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
A leaf blower, but for people.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Florida be like…
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.