Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
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My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together