Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
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But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?