uncle dave has been through hell
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Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.