The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
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Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.