if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
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embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Autocarrot sucks!
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.