Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
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she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Midwest trash talk
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
my first day as a raccoon
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.