Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
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This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Velcrow
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834