i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
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fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
12. I think about this all the damn time
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.