If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
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When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…