For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
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Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
how it started vs how it ended
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice