Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
You Might Also Like
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said