My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
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Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Clients after you give them your rates
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”