Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
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me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Smile Twitter, Smile.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]