*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
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COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
True
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”