Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
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Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did