Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
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DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part