Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
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Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.