asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
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My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!