[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
You Might Also Like
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
getting old is fun
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.