When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
You Might Also Like
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I’m about to risk it all
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
*puts my mental health in rice
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?