My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
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This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Meth is short for Elizameth.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I’m awake but I object,
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.