ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
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Eggs are just drums you can only play once
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news