when there are deer in the woods
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friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Gods work.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.