I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
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Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
My safe word is Worcestershire
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware