Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
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[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”