The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
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Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Born to be mild.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Stop being racist to kettles.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
The devil.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.