*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
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The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.