Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
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Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.