Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
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Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
life finds a way
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk