[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
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Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Do not go gentle into that good night,
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁