I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
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[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.