You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
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The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.