I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
You Might Also Like
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.